Texas Sayings

Texas has four seasons: drought, flood, blizzard, and twister. That old saying isn’t far from wrong. Because of its sheer size, Texas experiences all kinds of weather—sometimes all at once. Out in West Texas, the weather can be drier than the heart of a haystack and windier than a fifty-pound bag of whistling lips. A duststorm is dubbed “Panhandle rain.” Thunderclouds might bring some real rain—say, a real gully-washer toad-strangler. And, all over the state, it’s hot—darned hot. How hot, you ask? Hotter than a stolen tamale. Hotter than a honeymoon hotel. Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.

Lots of Texans are apt to spin a tall tale on short notice, but some are prone to talking with no notice at all. An observer might note of such a ‘live dictionary” or “chin musician” that “he speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty.” The most common construction, however, is “he could talk the [blank] off a [blank]”—maybe “the legs off a chair,” “the ears off a cow,”, “the gate off its hinges.” This handy fill-in-the-blank form easily adapts itself to the speaker’s experience or view.

Timidity is not an attribute many Texans would care to claim, but perhaps the very rarity of that quality makes it saying-worthy.

Skittish horses have inspired many an equine expression. Consider “He won’t stand hitched” or “She’s chewing her bit.” Other apt examples: “She’s so nervous she has to thread her sewing machine while it’s running” and “He’s as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockers.” But one saying in this category reigns as the undisputed classic: “Nervous as a whore in church.”

There’s some overlap here with expressions for “shy” and “nervous,” but the “scared” file includes such gems as “She wouldn’t bite a biscuit” and “She backed out quicker than a crawfish.” A saying as as old as the state itself is “He’s first cousin to Moses Rose,” a reference to the man (also known as Louis Rose) who has long been said to be the only coward who fled the Alamo before the seige.

Say you’re an expatriate who just moved back to Texas. Upon your return, you might be “happy as a hog in slops” or “happy as a boardinghouse pup.” More convoluted phrasings include: “The greatest thing since . . . (apple burr to bare feet); “She took to you like . . .) a buzzard to guts; a sticker burr to bare feet)”; and “I haven’t had so much fun since . . . (the hogs ate Sister; the legs fell off Nell’s hamster).” Try using one of these, and your spirits will rise like a corncob in a cistern.

Need a Texas-ism to describe the heat? No sweat. There are dozens of steamy similes for summer suffering (not surprisingly, there are far fewer for winter weather). How hot is it? It’s hot as the hinges of hell; hot as a two-dollar pistol; hot as a stolen tamale. It’s hotter than whoopee in woolens, hotter than a preacher’s knee, hotter than a fur coat in Marfa. See? It’s easy to get hot talk down cold.

She’s lucky. Of course, loyalists would argue that all Texans are lucky, simply by virtue of being born Texans. But this saying conveys the extreme auspiciousness of a four-star fortunate.

The twentieth-first century may be just around the corner, but staunch moral values—as professed publicly, at any rate—remain a constant in the Texas character, and woe to those who act otherwise. This quotation is a beaut. Not just women are targeted in such zingers: A similar remark for a man is “He’ll take up with any hound that’ll hunt.” Obviously, when it comes to Texas talk, immorality is fertile ground.

A classic, it’s a succinct and subtle way of perpetuating the everything’s-bigger -in-Texas myth. It also recalls another legendary (if less flattering) quote long attributed to Union General Phil Sheridan, who was posted in Texas after the Civil War: “If I owned hell and Texas, I’d rent out Texas and live in hell.”

Texans are unabashed braggarts. This saying separates the seasoned boaster from the rest of the crowd.

To break a horse is to train or domesticate it. This saying means a person is dangerous and mean—in essence, that he can’t be “broken.” Use it to convey that my-family-has- ranching-roots allure.

In short, he’s ugly. Expressions for homeliness are the most common of Texas sayings. This stellar and venerable example paints a picture, tells a tale, and cracks a joke, all in twelve words.

Another great saying tied to Texas’ love of the land. Expressions for “stupid” are the second most common in Texas lore.

One of many marvelous references to “crazy.” Quite a few such descriptions spring from vintage homemaking or housekeeping terminology —consider also “She came right off the spool” and “He’s missing a few buttons off his shirt.” Obviously pioneer women were just as capable of coining colorful colloquialisms as were the men.